The Deal

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car.

"I'll make a deal with you," said his father. "You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut, and then we'll talk."

A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car.

"Son, I'm real proud of you. You've brought your grades up and you've studied your Bible, but you didn't get hair cut!"

"You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that. Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."

"Yes, and they walked everywhere they went!"

Don't Step on the Ducks

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: Don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, There are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to Spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together wsith the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, very careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any duck, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on... Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, But I stepped on a Duck."

Want to go to Heaven?

A pastor at a frontier church ended a stirring sermon with, "All those who want to go to heaven, put up your hands!"

Everybody enthusiastically raised their hands.... everybody except a grizzled old cowboy who had been slouching against the door post at the back of the room.

All heads turned as he sauntered up to the front, spurs jangling and said, "Preacher, that was too easy. How do you know if these folks are serious? I can guarantee to prove who really means it and who don't!"

Bemused the preacher said, "Ok, stranger, go ahead and put the faith of these good people to the test. Ask them anything you want."

At that, the cowpoke pulled his twin six-shooters, turned to the audience and said, "Alright... who wants to go to heaven... raise your hands!"

You Can't Take It With You

Determined to "take it with him" when he died, a very rich man prayed until the Lord gave in.

There was one condition: He could bring only one suitcase of his wealth.

The rich man decided to fill the case with gold bullion.

Then one day, he died. St. Peter greeted him at the gate and told him he could come in, but his suitcase would have to be left.

"But I have an agreement with God," said the man, "to bring one suitcase in heaven."

"That's very unusual," replied St. Peter. "Let me look inside that suitcase."

The man opened the suitcase to reveal the shining gold bullion. St. Peter was amazed.

He asked, "Why in the world would you bring more pavement to heaven?"

Parents Worst Nightmare

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.

Dear Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.

But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana & cocaine doesn' t really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.

Love, your son,
Johnny

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at, my friend, Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on my desk. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.

The Shakespeare Effect

A young lad and his mother were walking down the street when suddenly the boy yelled out excitedly, "Mother, Mother, Look at that bowlegged man!"

His mother immediately hushed him, explaining it was not polite to make fun of bowlegged people.

The next day the same thing happened. "Look mother, there's that bowlegged man!"

The mother grabbed the lad by the arm saying, "When we get home you'll be punished for this outburst."

When they got home, she gave her son a work by Shakespeare, "Go to your room and read this book. You can't come out until you have finished it. Maybe you will learn something from this punishment."

Two days later they're walking down the same street when the boy again, spots the person of whom he had been making fun: "Hark! What manner of men are these, who weareth their legs as parentheses?"

Naughty Rhymes

The grade 5 teacher one day asked the children in her class to make rhymes with their names.

First up was Dan. A very adventurous child.

My name is Dan,
When I grow up to be a man,
I want to go to India and Japan,
If I can, If I can, If I can.

Very good she said to Dan. She then told Sally that it now was her turn.

My name is Sally,
When I grow up to be a lady,
I want to have a baby,
If I can, if I can, if I can.

That is good Sally, she said. But maybe one day you will change your mind. Next up was Sam he was the naughty one in the class.

My name is Sam,
When I grow up to be a man,
Never mind India and Japan,
I gonna help Sally with her plan,
I know I can.

Banta`s Date

Banta called his friend, Santa, and told him that he recently met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do?

Santa said, "Send her some flowers, and on the card invite her for a home-cooked meal."

Banta liked the idea, so he invited the woman.

The day after the meal Santa calls Banta and asks about the meal.

Banta, "It was a flop idea."

Santa, "Didn't the girl come to your house?"

Banta, "She did, but she refused to cook!"